Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Abuse or Being Upset?

There is definitely a fine line in a relationship between feeling abused by another and feeling upset with yourself. Most people don't know the difference so they maintain a base internal order that whatever the situation, they are never the problem.

Abuse is when a person is consistently aggressive [in talk, not physically] towards someone and does not give the proper support or accolades even when the discussed expectations have been met or exceeded. In other words, they are treated poorly or nastily even when they do what was asked of them.

Being upset, in this scenario, is when that same person is called on their poor results due to having not met expectations, but still want the accolades and appreciation as if they did complete that certain task. They want a blue ribbon for participating.

This happens all the time. The comments rain from our mouths;

"But you didn't see the work I did behind the scenes."
"He just doesn't appreciate me."
"She doesn't know what it takes to complete this."
"What they wanted was just impossible."

The truth is that you either meet or don't meet a laid out expectation. When it is properly explained, you have said you will do something then you have only two things that you can do:
  1. Communicate throughout the process that you know what is expected and/or don't know so that everyone is talking and understanding where events are leading
  2. Just get the job done and pat yourself on the back
Both scenarios lead you to accept that you are the driver and that you will be proud of accomplishing or communicating the work you did regardless of how others treat you.

However, a third result is often the dramatic one that people take. They take the power out of their own hands and tell themselves that someone else is to blame for not doing either of the two scenarios above. Feelings of under appreciation, being incomplete, and contempt for others who were attempting to hold you accountable are all feelings that are misdirected.

Like with so many things in life, the finger should point at only one person. You. Rather than beat yourself up and feel powerless learn from the lessons of this relationship and understand that you are always responsible for what you say and what you do. It is a basic level of integrity. Hard to manage but basic.

Don't blame or whine, that just wastes valuable time; thank someone for helping you realize that you are accountable to what you say you will do and then go and practice always doing what you say you will.

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