Sunday, July 20, 2008

Summer Spoilers.

Summer spoilers.

I’m all for getting new and exciting things that make our lives more enjoyable, provided there is real / deliberate / useful and tangible purpose.

We have the great fortune of spending summers at the lake with our kids. There’s nothing like the peace & quiet, warm breezes, morning sunrises or late night camp fires. Having said that, there are some things more annoying than a blind date with Paris Hilton.

#1. Those three words – let’s go tubing.
1st of all, if I see one more sun burnt fat kid with their legs hanging out of a tube as they are towed randomly down a lake by their ridiculously stupid (and lazy) parents, I’m going to hurl. Tubing…. much like downhill skiing where you are dropped off at the top and take a straight snowplowed line down a ski hill….. is not an athletic accomplishment. If your little Johnny is tuckered after tubing, be worried.
For parents, why don’t you just use the money you would spent on gas to start your campfire.

#2. The Z-mans Jetboat.

There’s nothing more annoying than a guy who starts up his bored out - hemi’d up - two on the floor - gypsum saddled v-tech jetboat and hurls himself across the lake breaking the sound, speed and annoying barrier. Oh yeah and 30 foot rooster tails went out of fad at the same time rat tails did in the late 80’s. Get a life, we know you are fast, there’s no functional purpose to that bat-ma-boat other than to annoy the other inhabitants of the lake (and wildlife). You’re a loser.

#3. The Jetski.

Back in the day when you had to start, pull yourself up, and then control that big arm – sure, that was athletic. But to sit on a jetski and do endless donut after endless donut is not a) serving any purpose or b) adding to the value of your intelligence or lake ambiance. It’s annoying – YOU are annoying – yes we saw how tight the turn was - now take it back, slap down the rest of the cash and buy a boat that you can cruise on, waterski behind or entertain your friends with or something equally as functional.
Yes… we know you can get really close to us and bang a left at the last minute, splashing us with your wake, but the only guy that appreciates that is the Z-man. perhaps you can frolic in his wake and accidentally submarine.

Now the big lesson here is don’t impulse purchase. If you take your kids in when you buy the boat, trailer and 9n’s – of course they are going to say ‘get the tube’. Because it’s easy. they can just lay there and think they are cool. Also, don’t ever buy a jet ski. All the cools things you did for the test drive – well, that’s max – there’s really not much more to add and lastly, if you get the equivalent to the Z-mans jetboat – start a group, find yourself a lake that no one else is on and race back and forth to see who had the fastest run, biggest rooster, and the end of the day devour the fastest cob of corn with fewest teeth.

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